Continuing with the theme of FEAR this week, I’m curious…
When are you most afraid – Sharing vulnerably yourself? Or being with someone else who is sharing vulnerably?
Let’s define Vulnerability:
noun: vulnerability; plural noun: vulnerabilities
1.the quality or state of being exposed to the possibility of being attacked or harmed, either physically or emotionally.
It’s been a difficult or trying week for me.
Monday was the anniversary of my wedding.
Tomorrow is the anniversary of signing the divorce papers.
Tomorrow night is the Farewell Party for my ex and his wife as they prepare to move out of the county, to a destination where our daughters will spend considerable time.
I told a former lover I couldn’t speak to him now as I am still processing our relationship ending.
And, I got the news that my application was not accepted to a co-working collaborative.
So, I’ve been sitting with all of the heaviness. The spiritual by-passing (the feeling that I SHOULD be) feeling grateful for what all HAS transpired and lessons learned. And, the emotions of grief, hurt, upset and more have washed over me. Yes, Grief has cycles and I’ve been riding them!
The difference this week is that I’ve reached out. Talked and cried and shared and asked for support. Given myself extreme self-care.
Why is that so difficult for us as powerful, independent, brilliant women?
For me? It’s a “not wanting to bother anyone” or “I don’t want to be a burden” or “who wants to talk to a whiner, a soppy mess of a friend?”
Yet, when I asked for support to attend the party? All 3 women responded “Yes! Of course!”
When I cried a bit when my trainer asked me how I was doing on the metabolic challenge cleanse this week, she was lovely and understanding why I was not following the diet to a “T”.
When my business coach asked what I thought I could do this week, and I answered honestly, she was compassionate yet firm, my plan was do-able.
When my daughter asked me how I was, I was honest. Not angry. Just sad. Not talking bad about anyone. Accepting that they are who they are and we are not in alignment anymore.
I even can feel the excitement of what might be coming next for me through the pain and loss of this time. I had another ding this morning.
And, felt into and B E Y O N D the pain and saw the echoing of old stories and patterns – now releasing. Now bowing to what is emerging. And, making way, stepping aside.
It’s such a different feeling. The gratitude for the pain. The awareness of being in the present with all that IS and all that is on its way.
The most difficult part? Has been the weirdness of sharing with others. The fear of showing up less than, broken, messy and VULNERABLE. I don’t like asking for help. As much as I coach others on Receiving…it’s not that easy for me to Allow in the support and love I SO crave. Need. Want.
So, on this All Saints Day/All Souls Day/Post Samhain/Halloween day, sandwiched between two very significant dates for me, I have called in the Magic of connection. Community, support, sharing, giving, receiving. Receiving even when I don’t ask for it. Even without reciprocation expected.
And, gratitude shows up. Appreciation. And FEAR becomes fear…and disappears.
Ahhh…this feels so much better!